2 unreactive episodes

I reacted horribly. I don’t know what came over me, but I was unable to say what I’ve always wanted to say to people in need.

Tuesday was my first encounter of a friend who was having a panic attack. I clearly remember walking in the 5/Fl disabled bathroom, passing her and her boyfriend hunched on the floor, her head down, as if crying softly to herself. I came out of the bathroom, hearing heavy dreaded sobs, I knew it. She had it in English class 2 years ago, and I clearly remember Ms. B rushing over, telling her to breathe deeply with her.

I completely lost it. I was scared myself. I didn’t know what to do. I was scared. I put my hand on her back, one hand on her hand, and just kept quiet for a bit. What is wrong with me? I literally thought she was going to die….I was terrible.

Today, another friend hit her stress peak and broke down into sobs. I gave loads of hugs because I believe she doesn’t deserve any of this. SHit, I shouldn’t have talked about myself. Not empathetic. Shit future Dr. I’m terrible at this, but I truly care and I hope she knows it.

I just lost it I find it very hard to verbalize my thoughts….getting there.

 

 

Before & After Mocks…

I watched 7 exams within 3 days!!! OK, I finished my first full movie – Cyberbully doesn’t count cause it’s kind of a mini movie.

Friday – Sunday: (ranking from best to worst)

Our Times, Legally Blonde, Finding Nemo, Perks of Being A Wallflower, 500 Days of Summer (watched too much of the bits and bobs during mocks whilst listening to the amazing soundtrack), 101 Dalmatians, Sherlock the Abominidable Bride (too scary for me), the start of Mean Girls (stop buffering, you’re not chemistry!)

 

I think that will be it for now.

I sobbed my way through Perks, somehow Charlie speaks to me in some sense. “I never thought anyone would notice me.” He struggles with mental illness – PTSD, Depression, Anxiety. Well, that’s what I’m diagnosing him with. 😦 he suits his character so much. I’ve gained so much insight just by watching these movies – I would gladly write a reflection or a film review. Tbt to when I wrote a film review based on Shawshank Redemption, I did more research than watching the film. Teehee.

Life after mocks is quite the same; a constant fear of exams looming in and that I have to start prepping for things already. There are moments of relaxation. Let me just say I miss exercising…

Give me smore 2016

• Just your average, boring teenager who thinks about revision, the Paper Kites, mindfulness, joy (sadness though), life stories, and a sprained ankle.
• See cell phone for full list of resolutions
• Very realistic list, I am very thankful for where I stand today. I am happier today than Dec 31, 2014 when I fell into the trap.
• Try to recognize and tune in with my emotional state.
• Help people with mental illnesses. Or people who are extremely stressful from school. Listen to them with compassion.
• Resolve to let go of gossip and criticizing other people

How to do it:  So, that means even if you happen to be present for a conversation where someone starts talking about someone else, you make the decision not to engage in that conversation and you don’t allow someone to chide you into idle gossip. You choose not to criticize people around you either to their faces or behind their backs. You don’t talk about how someone looks, about their life choices, about their parenting skills, you just let people live their lives and you live yours with kindness and integrity. If people start to talk about others around you, you can just say, “I have this New Years resolution to let go of judgment and criticism of others, so I don’t want to go there.”

Beriberi

Wrote an entire post on an insight into humanity, but it didn’t save. But that’s OK.

Writing about a happy chem lesson – I am not afraid to speak up, they publicly discussed about anemia, MC searched up scurvy & rickets, G translated beriberi in Chinese, Afrikaans, British, I cracked a sour pun about Brits carrying oranges to the States, I laughed, people laughed, absolutely no awkward silences, life is good.

Just hoping there’d be quiet study rooms anger. Livid asf. What even is studying attitude?! 😥 I hate math

Mental Nourishment

A post dedicated to mental health (inspired by Jeremy Lin’s post ‘Silicon Valley Suicides’)

Having struggled with and survived through the realms of mental illness, it comes as no surprise that I can easily identify with people with mental illnesses, or stories that resonate deeply within me.

In Oct 2014, a friend T stopped going to school for one whole month. I never got to know what she was going through, as she seemed to want to keep it private, and so I didn’t ask much about it. After a year, she is still her happy, energetic self, but I do happen to know that she can be very stressful at times. I remember thinking that ‘it’s been a year Oct 2015, maybe I should approach her and ask how she’s doing’. But I was really nervous. I never knew how to formulate a question that is not too over-sensitive, nor did I ever have the guts to talk to her about her issue. I was simply too scared. And now, she’s back home resting and not coming to school. I really regret it. I should have asked her earlier…

“Hey T, can I ask you a question?

OR

“Hey T, do you mind if I ask you something about your absence from school last year? Are you fully recovered? You’re really brave.”

And I genuinely mean it. Here are some words from J.Lin’s post that made me agree so much:

“I realized then that there are so many burdens we don’t see the people around us carrying. I told myself that I would try to be more sensitive and open to other people’s struggles.

We may not have the answers to how to completely solve these issues, but we can take more time to really listen to each other, to reach out and have compassion on one another.”

This is exactly what I’ve wanted to say for a long time. I really do care about people’s mental health. I’ve been keeping an eye open on all the Peer Supporters’ posters and think whether people would actually approach them on sensitive issues such as depression, EDs… Maybe people think issues like friendship, relationship are so much more important, but I always prioritize mental health. I think it is so, so, so important for us to open our hearts and ears and listen to people. I’m here for you.

 

Learning from suffering

This was the view when I had curry rice with Daddy on the pier. Bliss. Mindful eating. Nature. Self love. Bonding. All within 2 hours. 

Back to 5/12/2015, my first full day of living with my sprained ankle. Horrible. It’s really not too bad, it’s just me being contaminated with negative thoughts, and thinking back to atrocious anemia. (wah alliteration)

It’s crazy how much I’ve been through this year. But I know what makes me strong is my self empowerment. I know I was able to make it through IV blood treatment, despite weeping for 4 hours non-stop. It’s funny how I got To know that Mr Chiu & Ms Lim had the same experiences. I expressed my bloody interest and concern because I completely understand how they feel. “it’s so painful, I will never forget it” -D

I feel fine now. Maybe this is God’s plan to strengthen me. Or his test to show me that people do care for me. (I was honestly so down before the accident) Maybe he didnt want me to feel the Macbethian guilt if someone else fell on the block that I was playing with. “I think it’s me…” laughs.

My revision plans are affected, but I will keep going. I hope everyone else will have a great day. Stay strong. Stay happy.

 

 

WordPressing with Wordsworth

Tomorrow is the IOC day. I am so strange, I don’t really feel anything. I love speaking – just today in chem with MC, he told me to read a passage out loud. I did, trying to chew my words and add pauses. Basically, Neighbour N said I sounded like someone from a documentary and immediately 2 friends chirped in yelling YEAH I WAS THINKING ABOUT THAT 2! And N said MC, maybe you should let D read the passages from now on. Yyyeeeeaaah~~~actually love chem now, cuz I’m ahead of the game with genuine Chan. I love being inquisitive. Life is good and I don’t think about him anymore. Do hope fate will………”The Lesser Celandine” (which is, carbocation

part IV

Hi from Tiu Keng Leng  station.

OKt’s the third asdfjkl time I’ve ridden the wrong train. Snap to attention! I haven’t been thinking much, but I know I should – Sir says, “你呢個態度真吾得，吾會入到香港大學。” Thank you for being Genuine

Part IV: been thinking about you a lot lately. I dreamt of you last last night, details see Edge of glory notebook last page: “he’s SSOOO cute!!!!” I sincerely hope you’re doing well, you’re happy, swearing a lot like you usually do, and whatever it is, I hope fate favours us to cross paths. The ball was Me taking action, when are you initiating?

I miss you, I miss you. Miss you so much. At least it’s not that burning gut sensation I get when I miss someone (still you) so freaking much.

We’ve only hung out once by ourselves, gosh how nervous was I in that onesie waddling around. Similar to that annual lunch with Lens butterflies.

I want to reunite with you so I can fearlessly and shamelessly hug you once again just like how I did in the ball. I don’t even know why you’re so sjdcpejwnsicxpwp. My motivations for IB: you, my mind, sir, family, not friends. Idunoo always feel out of place and fatigued.

We Registered (III)

Dear WordPress

I am supposed to begin with a sentimental opening about how much I miss WordPress, how much I miss writing on drowningdaisies, how much I reminisced when I scrolled through my old posts, the old ones about you.

I have been thinking about you this summer. After two summers, you have lit me up again, you are like the old fire, rekindled. Am I trying to be poetic? My English has failed miserably, orally and writing. Journalism can never be an option. Things that I have been good at and proud of before, like debate, running, I can no longer take pride in those. I have lost the ability and power to excel. But dear WordPress, I shall write another blog post about this some other time.

I don’t know where to start, it is such a short and boring story. It just trails back to this June/July, he sent me a whatsapp asking if I can go to the ball. He said, the last 3 times I’ve already asked you, can you come this time? (he’s head contact person) So, I just said, sam gu mao lo – OK. Short and sweet.

Fast forward to the ball, I was constantly on the lookout for him. It’s not the obsession or anything, I don’t like him anymore! But, we are still old friends, haven’t seen each other since that October 2013 onesie-crazy meet up. 1 VS. 1. So, I didn’t see him at the ticket booths, but I walked in the hall, found it boring as hell. Someone was singing on the stage! I crowded with T to the front…trying to sway like the crowd was, but the atmosphere was quite unbearable. And I felt un-conservative with my midnight blue (Thanks Mathew) dress.

Someone tapped on my shoulder. I turned around. He was there. It was him! After 2 years, reunited! I hugged him a little bit, not overdone. He didn’t really hug me back, but I was proud of my confidence. He has always been cheeky. We have shared quite a lot of memories. We were main best friends in camp. (ultra-friendzone teehee) I would never forget the campus-tracing, D game night when we ventured among the campus with our group, only to have stumbled across some weird mini rubbish dump at the bottom of the slope. It was night, and it was quite scary. But group 4 was brave. And he was brave. He was leading. I started chasing him and he ran and I chased and he ran. I started to get tired and so did he, so we both slowed before I could catch him. But he was tired and we were laughing. He later wrote that I ran fast and almost got him. 🙂 Other specific memories? Well, he complained my hair was a mess. And too long. He loved complaining. He loved judging her Instagram, calling her a niqqa.

Not in the mood to write anymore, starting to prep seriously for my Wordsworth poems. I hope you see you again, WordPress; but I hope to see him again too. (Healthy competition)

Chow, ciao.